On to a brighter future - Interview with Tom Garber, founder of Hope for Men
STORY / 05.09.24 / 9 min read
by Michele Battistioli
Tom Garber started following his vision of creating a platform for male survivors of sexual abuse and trauma, a place where they could feel safe and find help to improve their lives.
Previously, Tom worked in the Film industry and Customer Service, since he was passionate about helping people. He soon realized that there were limits to what he could do to assist customers, given the directives and priorities of the business he was working for, and then decided to take a UX (User Experience) Design course and learn how to support people more effectively.
That was the moment when he realized that he wanted to provide more to those who underwent analogous traumatic experiences as himself, and Hope for Men became the project of a lifetime.
What was the general response when you started creating the website of Hope for Men?
They said I’m very brave, it’s amazing what I’m doing, things like this. People were very supportive overall, and my friends are proud. Although the people around me might not be aware of the struggles of being a founder, they still encourage me a lot.
I feel like there is a general tendency to assume that people are aware of the current social issues and accept them, but this is not always true.
There is still so much more that needs to be done in our society, and while the #MeToo movement helped to discover the stories of harassment and abuse, there is resistance to hearing the voices of men who were also victims.
In the gay community, there is a general hesitance in speaking up about episodes of abuse and sexual violence, since there are already misconceptions and negative stereotypes circulating, so there is the feeling that sharing stories of assault would just put the community in a worse spotlight.
Others who have been silent about their abuse experience might feel reluctant to share and support the cause since they might believe nothing would come out of it.
We still need brave men to come out and share. And those who are not doing so, they are still brave for going through life although they had traumatic experiences.
What are other organizations that inspired you?
I talked to We Are Survivors from the UK, and the founder, Duncan Craig, probably doesn’t know but I consider him a mentor.
We did a podcast together once, talking about sexual assault, and he said something that stuck with me: “if men are the problem, we must be part of the solution.”
His vision is very inspiring to me, and it’s important to mention that we are not competing, but we are here to add more support for male survivors, not take away from other platforms.
I worked with other organizations to develop Hope for Men, and I’m a big believer in collaboration.
I considered making Hope for Men a non-profit organization because I wasn’t feeling good about getting paid for supporting other men.
It took me a while, but I realized that, by working hard, I have earned this. I consider it like going to a therapist: they get paid for their experience, studies, and effort, so I would like to experience the same.
This is also my healing process, my chance to have a stable personal and work life.
Also, if we were a non-profit organization, we would be limited on what we could offer: we would only be able to operate on a small scale, while our goal is to create a global movement that will make a real change in the lives of male survivors and their loved ones.
Since the topic is quite a sensitive one, do you think that this affects finding investors, collaboration, or attention? And how did you find the people to start Hope for Men?
On one hand, it’s more difficult, on the other it’s easier; the fact that we are supporting men dealing with sexual trauma helped with finding volunteers, and usually, they are moved when I talk about my story.
When it comes to presenting the project in a business or investment setting, I sensed that the audience was feeling uncomfortable when I mentioned my experience, so now I focus more on our purpose and current plans for Hope for Men.
The topic of men’s mental health still needs more attention, and that makes it harder to find collaborators on the directing and business levels.
I went to many meetings with potential co-founders, and they were generally supportive of the idea, but they weren’t the right match.
When I found my first co-founder, Aivis Olsteins, he said that he couldn’t relate to the topic from a personal perspective, but he mentioned that if his son was in a similar situation, he would like him to know that he could talk to his father and that there is a safe space for him to deal with something like that.
And that was especially important for me to hear.
After that, Anton Karlsson became the third co-founder, and the three of us registered Hope for Men as an official company.
Speaking of your story, how can you share similar experiences in a way that helps people understand? And how can you be supportive of people in the same situation?
You need to understand if the person is willing to listen, and if they have the emotional capacity for it. You don’t know what people are going through.
Ask for their consent to talk about it, and don’t get angry if they don’t want to. These are impactful stories, and it’s not easy to listen to them since they affect the listener too.
It’s important to not scream your truth or do it in an aggressive way. On some occasions, I tried talking about my experience with people close to me, and I got offended because they set boundaries. Later I realized they had their own issues to deal with, and through that understanding we reconnected.
If you want to support a person in this situation, try to be a safe space for them, let them share their experiences without judging them, and ask what they need. For example, “How can I help you, if you want my help?”
Ask what happened to you, not what’s wrong with you, and make sure that they know you listen and are there for them if they want to share.
If you don’t know how to help, find a specialist, therapist, or association, explain the situation, and ask what you should do. It’s hard to give general advice because every situation is different.
It’s also important to remember that if someone doesn’t want help, you cannot force it on them.
The person is responsible for opening and making a change. For many years I didn’t really want help; I wanted a better life, but I didn’t want to make the changes that were necessary for this to happen. The situation changed when I took responsibility for my own life.
Therapy helped me a lot, but I think that most people look at therapy like a Hollywood movie, where everything works out in the end. In real life, there are happy moments, and maybe after there are devastating ones, it can always be challenging.
Life isn’t a straight path; it’s a journey with its ups and downs, twists and turns. It’s about experiencing the full spectrum of emotions, ranging from joy to sadness, excitement, fear, and everything in between.
Each feeling has its place and purpose, and embracing them all is what makes us truly human.
Instead of striving for constant happiness, we should allow ourselves to feel the depth of every emotion, knowing that they all contribute to the richness of our lives.
It’s okay to feel, because every emotion is a part of the journey.
This is the reality of survivors: it can get better, but it’s a cycle just like life, and you need to learn how to react differently to situations.
A good example of this came from Baby Reindeer, hit Netflix show written and performed by Richard Gadd, based on the real-life story of his experience with rape. It tells the story of a man who has been sexually abused, and it’s difficult to watch because it doesn’t give much hope. It’s a very powerful story that shows the reality of survivors.
A message I want to share with survivors: you were probably abused by someone, and they took something away from you, but it is your responsibility to make your life better, no one else’s.
What are the next steps for you and Hope for Men? What kind of support can people find there?
I’m mostly concentrating on Hope for Men since it is what I care about the most and I want it to be a successful company. We plan to launch a new platform by the end of September and raise capital so we can fund our company and the people working with us.
My personal challenge is to balance my personal and work life.
Looking back at the past, my younger self would not believe that things got better. My life changed when I became forty, and I realized I was the one who saved myself.
With Hope for Men, I want to offer a safe space where people can share their experiences and improve their mental health, no matter what their gender or cultural background is.
We are working on support groups so men can meet other survivors and share their experiences. Our users can find articles and interviews, not just for themselves but also for their loved ones, so they can see their perspective and find tips on how to support male survivors..
Most importantly, they can find mental health support, that is my primary goal.
As Hope for Men, we are always open to hearing the stories of survivors and the people around them. You can find more resources and articles on the website, and don’t hesitate to reach out to us or me personally. I am committed to supporting any survivors who reach out for help, no matter what the gender of the survivor is.
Remember that healing begins when we find the courage to share our story and speak our truth.
Opening up and asking for help is a profound act of strength, not a sign of weakness.
It takes courage to be vulnerable, let others in our lives, and acknowledge that we don’t have to carry our burdens alone.