Echoes of Pain: A 15-Year-Old’s Tale of Survival

I am 15 years old. I can’t tell you where I live. I don’t want to share it with anyone. I am sharing this story because if I die I would know that my story is heard by the people who suffer like me. And a little bit for my healing.

My story comes in 3 parts. I will do my best to share it as it is. 

Incident 1: 

I was like 7 years old. I used to live in a young town. I actually just moved to this young town. From the start, I had difficulties making new friends, but I still managed to make some. Things were going fine and I used to enjoy some time with my neighbor friend. He was 4 years older than me and he had a brother who was around 19 years old. So, one day, as usual, I went to my neighbor's house for some time. I found that his brother was alone at home but I didn't plan to go back home. So I stand next to him. Some time passed by but all of a sudden, he told me “Let's do some fun”. I was stupid, so I agreed with him. Then he pulled out his penis, grabbed my hand, and told me to hold it. I refused him a few times, but eventually, I lost. After giving him a handjob, he stood up and rubbed some mustard oil on his penis. Then, he did his thing. When he was done. He let me go, so, I quickly went back home. I was young, so, I didn't know what exactly happened but I still felt bad. Day by day, whenever he found time to get me alone, he did his thing to me. Over and Over again. 

One day, next to a mango tree outside of our house, that fucker, was there with my big brother, and a few of their friends. But I have heard that dipshit started to talk shit about me, It wasn't a new thing but he was crossing the limit this time. So, out of frustration, I told them everything he did to me. There was silence for some seconds, and after a few moments, my brother changed the topic. I felt like, he was ashamed of me and we never talked about it again. I don't know if he still remembers this today. I think he forgot about it. But one thing good happened to me, that fucker left me in peace.

Incident 2 

3 years after the first incident, I stopped going to my neighbor's house but sometimes, I still went there because I had to go for a birthday party or other family invitation. I started to meet with my neighbor's friend more and more, and at some point, a new boy moved to the neighborhood. He was 2 years older than me and started interacting with my friends. He was tall and kinda strong. I didn't like him from the start and I don't like him now. 

One day my friend and I were casually talking with this boy and he asked us to follow him. We didn't notice that he was actually taking us somewhere private. When we got there, he started to say sexual things and I was an idiot. So, to look cool, I agreed with him that I knew all this sexual bullshit. The next day, my friend and I went to this older boy’s house because he told us he had something to show us. When we were about to go there, my friend left me alone because his mom called him to come back home. When I got to his house, he invited me to his room. Then he said, “Let's watch some porn”. I didn't reply to him. He pulled out his phone and started to watch some gay porn shit. He told me to do the same thing shown in the video. I refused and told him that I should go home now. But he made me stay there. I lost. He tried to penetrate me but couldn’t. At some point, he did. After yelled at him to “pull it out!”. he luckily stopped and started to masturbate. When he was done, he told me to leave. I went home. 

I thought I was lucky to survive it this time. I stopped interacting with him and ignored him as much as I could because this was all I could do. It didn’t help. One day he got me alone again. He pulled out his phone and played his gay porn shit on it. He told me “Let's do it again”. I refused countless times, I lost in the end. Again. He took me to his home and then his room, he told me to give him a blowjob. I had no choice because I was weak and he was strong. He told me to “Go deeper”, so, I had to go deeper by myself or he would hold my head and do it himself which was painful. When he had enough of it. He told me to lay on the bed and he started to do it. He was rough. When he was done, I quickly got to my home. I sat on the sofa and sat there for some minutes. I thought how did I make the same mistake again? 

For a long time, I had to deal with it and that asshole still had friendship with my other friends. I tried my best to avoid him. Some time ago, he met new friends and he is not part of our friends group anymore. I am glad he is finally out of my life.

Incident 3: 

Not so long after the second incident, when I was still recovering from it, a friend who was a little younger than me had a brother who was 18 years old. I sometimes saw him roaming around with his friends. From day one, I felt something was wrong when I was around him. I knew that he wanted the same thing which those two fucker wanted from me. So, I never let myself be alone with him because I knew what could happen. He sometimes said let's go to my house but I knew this time, It was wrong. But my luck was not with me forever, whenever I found myself alone with him, he told me to do things like those two fuckers told me to do before. But I always gave him a handjob and flee the place right after. I knew I would lose if I tried to stop it. So I didn’t. 

That fucker was getting more and more aggressive. Day by day. Time after time. I have hypothyroidism in which my body gets a little fatty which was worthen it because that fucker started to stay away from me. But these three incidents still affected me. So, I kept myself busy and to my wonder, lockdown came, well, it was a big fortune and I started to focus on myself and control my hypothyroidism in 1 year and a couple of months and got my body in shape. I used to tell myself that those fuckers got their punishment and started to live with a lie. But I needed to deal with it somehow. I made myself so much phone addictive and I had anger issues from the start. After the lockdown was over, I kinda forgot about it, you know, the brain's mechanism to deal with such things. Everything was going pretty well but one day, I saw that fucker from the first incident, it was not a surprise, because I knew it would happen. So, I had to deal with this thing again.

I did some of my friends what happened to me, well, only to my best friend and one other friend. My best friend helped me but the other one just ignored me. Sometimes my anger issue and my thoughts got me, so, I did a little self-harm but I recovered in like 2 or 3 months. Now, I am doing ok but whenever I get alone or start to think about it, I feel very disgusted. Also, Trauma Core reading really helps me to get myself back on track. At the end of the day, it is still here and I am doing a pretty good job dealing with it. I hope.