Supporters

It’s best to not assume that you know what the other person needs. Instead, ask him what support he wants or needs. By asking directly, we are also letting him know we’re able to help on his terms.

• For example, he may appreciate a listening ear, practical help with getting groceries, or simply spending time together doing something he enjoys.
• If this is the first time they have disclosed to anyone (told someone what happened), or it happened recently, they may not know what they need from or how you can help at first. And that’s ok. It may be that all they know and need in the moment is someone to listen, or even sit there with them as they process their emotions.

Your first instinct may be to offer advice or find solutions straight away. Remember, their power and choice was taken away from them during the experience of sexual violence. Instead, offer support, offer to look for resources and information, or to help them find professional counseling, support groups, or hotlines.

• Empower victims and survivors to make decisions that are right for them. But respect their choices. This allows them to reclaim a sense of control over their lives and healing process.
• Ask if there are people in their life they feel comfortable going to, (or who they feel they can trust for you to talk to in order to look after yourself) and remind them that there are service providers who will be able to support them as they heal from the experience.

Let the survivor know that you are there for them and willing to listen to their story if they are comfortable sharing it. As many times as it takes. Healing takes time. 

There is no one way, no right way, no wrong way, and no schedule or specific timeline for people to recover and heal from unwanted sexual experiences. But remember, you’re not his therapist or doctor!

• Check in with them periodically. Even if the event happened a long time ago, it doesn’t mean the pain is gone. Check in with the survivor (whether through text messages, phone calls, or in-person visits) to remind them you still care about their well-being and believe their story.
• Keep including them in normal everyday activities. For many survivors, feeling that their normal life has been taken away from them can be especially hard. Continue to offer to do things together that your loved one has always enjoyed. For instance, if you enjoy cooking together or following the same TV shows, make sure you’re reaching out to initiate those activities. Even if your loved one doesn’t want to talk about what happened, it can be helpful to spend time together and feel normal.

If you can’t talk right away when they reach out, let him know a specific time when you can chat instead. The keys here are to:

• Tell him you appreciate his trust in confiding in you.
• Avoid using language that might make him feel like a burden or inconvenience.

What you can say:

• “Hi, sure, happy to meet up. Where are you? How about we meet at the coffee shop in an hour?”
• “Hey buddy, glad to hear from you! Today is a bit busy, but I have lots of time on the weekend! Does Sunday at 3pm work?”

As victims and survivors take steps toward healing, celebrate their victories — no matter how small. Acknowledging their strength can help them see their progress and continue moving forward.

• Focus on his strengths and achievements
• Acknowledge and validate his efforts in the recovery process
• Be patient with him and continue to provide support, even it feels like progress is slow.

Some DON'Ts:

• Don’t ask if they’re sure it happened.
• Don’t be upset with them for not telling you sooner.
• Don’t say, “If I were you, I would…”
• Don’t say, “Other survivors tend to _____, so you should too.”
• Don’t say that what they’ve described doesn’t sound like sexual assault to you, or that it 'isn’t that bad.'"
• Don’t say, If you don’t report, you’re putting other people in danger”. It can be exceptionally difficult to report, especially for men, for a great many reasons (such as fears they won’t be believed, or the stigma and shame they may be feeling, and the reporting itself can be re-traumatizing).
• Don’t ask for details about what happened––such as if they knew the perpetrator, what they were wearing, if they had anything to drink, etc.
• Don’t tell them that they ‘should have gotten over it by now.’ There is no timeline