How do I know if therapy is for me?

Topics

1. Introduction
2. When to see a therapist? 
3. Things to consider when starting therapy
4. Are they trauma-informed?
5. Does the therapist's gender matter?
6. Survivor or not survivor?
7. It’s ok to find a new therapist if they are not good fit for you
8. If you're in crisis 

Introduction

We spoke with many male survivors about how their unwanted sexual experiences affected them, and the challenges they faced in finding a road to recovery. Overwhelmingly, the men we spoke to said they do not speak out about their trauma, even if they start talking with a therapist. For some, this is because they were silenced by their perpetrator (abuser, attacker) who told them they would be hurt or that no one would believe them. 

Like most male survivors, negative stereotypes and stigmas around masculinity, therapy, and mental health, also play a role in men staying silent about their trauma. This leaves men feeling isolated and alone in their silence and pain.

The men shared that reading or hearing other men's stories and experiences—how they coped with what happened—helped them realize it's okay to talk and that they are not alone. 

It's common for people to compare their experiences of abuse with those of others. However, making these comparisons isn't always helpful because it can lead to judging some experiences as ‘less serious’ or ‘more serious’ than others. And when you focus on comparing the physical aspects of sexual abuse, you might overlook the fact that the harm from sexual abuse also comes from the abuse of power, betrayal of trust, and violation of care and vulnerability, which happen before, during, and after the abuse.

To hear or read a story, someone has to tell it. All the men who share their story, describe how empowering it is to finally ‘get it out’. Especially if their story might help just one other survivor realize they are not alone and that there is help available. 

So it’s the talking about what happened that starts the healing journey. 

What if you want to share your story but don’t know where to even start? One of the challenges most of the men we spoke to face is that they didn’t know the words to say what happened, how they’re feeling, or what they want or need. “How do you talk about what happened when you don’t know how to explain how you’re feeling? How do you ask someone for help when you don’t know what help you want?”

What if you want to tell someone but you don’t know who to trust? What if you’re not ready to go public with your story, even anonymously? 

One place to start might be with a mental health professional who understands sexual trauma. They can help you find the words and start your healing journey.

When to see a therapist 

You don’t have to be in crisis or be experiencing a low point to see a therapist/receive support for your mental health. Many people, men in particular, believe their problems aren’t ‘serious enough’ to see a therapist. Many people don’t realize that therapy is simply a neutral space to work on areas where you’d like to create change.

Understandably, your mental health may have been impacted by sexual assault and you might need support to help you process what’s happened. Therapy can be very helpful when you decide it is the time to tell someone, or when the “secret” just forces its way out, and overwhelming feelings which have been kept inside you for years come out. 

Sexual violence doesn’t need to have happened recently for you to seek out help. You can talk things through with a therapist even if it happened a long time ago. Speaking with a qualified therapist can be a helpful way to express and work through your feelings.

Therapists understand all the conflicting emotions you may be experiencing, such as fear, shame, self-blame, and guilt, and can help and support you in a non-blaming way. They know that the very fact of your survival shows your inner strength and resourcefulness, even if you can't quite see this in yourself. They can help you to gain a different perspective on the past and a more positive outlook on the future.

It can be an unsettling thought to talk to someone, especially if you’ve never opened up about what happened before. Talking through the mental health impacts with a therapist can help you work through past feelings in a safe space and at your own pace. It’s not necessary to talk about details and you won’t be made to say anything you don’t feel comfortable with. They will help you talk through things in a way that doesn’t re-traumatize you. 

They’ll discuss with you such things as:

1. feelings, issues, or difficulties you may be experiencing;
2. normal reactions to trauma and possible effects in later life;
3. help you to find ways to make life more like you want it to be;
4. supports and services for you and your family / friends;
5. things you can do to help yourself recover.

Talking about the ongoing effects of sexual trauma can help you process past feelings and move into a place where you can cope with day-to-day life more easily. It’s an opportunity to make connections between your past experiences and present struggles, and to learn new ways of being.

Things to consider when starting trauma therapy

If you feel ready to seek professional support, it is important to find a therapist that is right for you. For instance, depending on the way they work, some therapists may suit you better than others. It is OK to ask questions and find a therapist who you feel comfortable and safe with. Here are some things to consider before you begin trauma therapy.

Are they trauma-informed?

Most therapists are exposed to trauma work in their training, but not all therapists are trauma-informed. A trauma-informed therapist will validate your emotions and provide you with the healthy coping tools that are necessary to safely process your trauma. Not everyone who selects "trauma" as an area of expertise has the same level of training or comfort in trauma-informed care.

When finding a therapist, you might like to ask the following questions to see if their trauma training fits your unique needs. 

1. What training have you done in trauma-informed care?
2. Do you consider yourself trauma-informed, and what does this mean to you?
3. What is your approach to therapy with people with trauma?
4. What kinds of clients do you work with, or what kinds of trauma do you work with?
5. Are there any types of trauma that you do not feel comfortable or competent to work with?
6. What’s your pace when working with trauma? 

If the therapist seems annoyed or puts you off for asking, consider that person someone you don’t want to see. Generally, these questions can be answered in less than ten minutes and most therapists will give that time for a potential new client. You can always ask for professional references, but don’t expect the therapist to give you names of “satisfied customers” the way a painter might.

Does the therapist's gender matter? 

What matters is what you feel most comfortable with. Some men prefer to see a female therapist because they feel unable to trust men with their feelings because the perpetrator was a male. Others like to see a male therapist because they are seeking a male’s perspective.

Survivor or not survivor?

There is no clear ‘rule' whether or not it is better to have a therapist who is also a survivor. Some therapist survivors have personal experiences with sexual victimization, which may help them better understand what you went through. Others with personal experience may be less helpful for you because their own experiences can affect how objective they are with you. 

Just as an addiction therapist does not need to have experienced substance dependence to be helpful and effective, non-survivor therapists may be more useful because of their distance and objectivity to the problem. What makes a therapist effective is their skills and how you feel and connect with them. Trust in your own judgment and talk with them about how the sessions are going.

It’s ok to find a new therapist if they are not good fit for you

If you start seeing a therapist and things do not seem to be working out, talk about this with them. Sometimes it can feel like it’s not working out because therapy is hard and it can bring up some uncomfortable feelings. 

But if it’s not working out for you, it is perfectly ok to ask for a referral to someone else. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings! A good therapist will understand and respect this. Sometimes, it can take a few times until you find the therapist who is the right one for you. It’s ok to change therapists. It’s your journey.

If you’re in crisis

Important: If you are in crisis, or feeling unsafe right now, please contact emergency services in your area. You could also reach out to these hotlines:

1. International emergency services
2. International suicide hotlines
3. International helplines 
4. International rape crisis hotlines