Helping Loved Ones Understand and Support Your Trauma: A Guide for Men

In many cultures, it’s seen as unusual or even unacceptable for men to open up about their emotions, especially when it comes to painful experiences like sexual violence. There's a lingering belief that "real men" shouldn’t show vulnerability, which can make it even harder to talk about such trauma. While both men and women may hesitate to speak up about sexual abuse or assault, men face additional barriers due to societal expectations around masculinity, homophobia, and confusion around their own sexuality.

However, finding the courage to open up is a crucial step in your healing. If you're a person who has survived sexual violence, communicating with those close to you can feel challenging, but it is a vital part of your recovery. Sharing this article with them can help start the conversation. If you're reading this as a partner, friend, or relative of a survivor, understanding how to support him can make a significant difference. This guide offers insight into fostering meaningful communication and support.

Listening is the Key

As someone who cares about a survivor, your willingness to support them is already a step toward helping them heal. He has come to you because he trusts you. When he opens up, listen carefully and without judgment. Allow him to speak at his own pace and share only what he's comfortable with. You must believe him and avoid questioning his experience. Being present can be powerful, especially as he navigates good and challenging days. Be sure to treat what he shares with respect and maintain confidentiality.

Offering Practical Support

In addition to emotional support, practical assistance can be valuable. He may need help with matters like seeking legal advice. Refer to our article on legal help for male survivors for more information on how to provide this kind of assistance. Your role can include pointing him toward professionals who can guide him through these steps. You can also offer to help find a therapist if your loved one is open to it, or take on certain responsibilities to give them a much-needed break. Your role might include pointing them toward professionals or taking care of day-to-day tasks, helping to relieve some of the stress they are undoubtedly carrying.

Understanding Emotional Reactions

Men who have experienced sexual violence face complex and overwhelming emotions, many of which conflict with traditional expectations of masculinity. Survivors may feel shock, fear, helplessness, grief, anger, shame, loneliness, guilt, and frustration, among many other emotions. While these feelings are common, society doesn’t always prepare men to cope with them in healthy ways. Adding to this, men can also be abused by women, which can be deeply confusing. This type of abuse is often met with disbelief, making it even harder for men to share their experiences.

Recognize that emotional reactions are normal. Suggesting professional help, such as therapy, can be a useful way for him to process these emotions. However, finding the right therapist is crucial. Not all therapists are experienced in working with male survivors, so it's important to ask the right questions, such as whether the therapist has experience with male victims of violence and understands the specific tools and training needed to support them. Some of the trusted professionals can be found here.

Additionally, connecting with other male survivors, whether through support groups or other networks, can be incredibly helpful. Hearing the stories of other men can help him feel less isolated and more understood. 

While therapy is a powerful tool, it's important to avoid pushing too hard or implying that he’s unstable. The goal is to help him see that therapy and support groups are pathways to healing, not signs of weakness.

A Closing Word 

If you are a survivor, remember that taking the step to open up is an enormous act of courage. Don't hesitate to share resources like this link with those closest to you, so they can better understand how to support you. You are not alone, and by communicating with your loved ones, you're paving the way for healing.

For those offering support, your understanding and compassion can make all the difference. You don’t have to have all the answers, but reaching out to professionals when necessary ensures that the survivor is receiving the right kind of help. Ask “What happened to you?” instead of “What’s wrong with you?” By listening, offering practical assistance, and respecting his emotional process, you are playing an essential role in his recovery.

Learn how to sit with them in the dark, and when they are ready, give them a hand, but don’t push them to get out of the dark.