Topics

1. Introduction
2. Why is sexual consent important?
3. What sexual consent looks like: what it really means to give a ‘Yes’
4. Freely Given: saying ’yes’ because you really want to
5. Informed: knowing what you’re agreeing to
6. Enthusiastic: looking for the presence of a “yes” rather than the absence of a “no.”
7. Reversible: You can change your mind at any time
8. Here’s another way of looking at it: The barber and a cup of tea
9. Sexual consent does NOT look like
10. Who can consent?
11. Verbal vs non-verbal consent
12. Negotiating consent
13. Why ‘yes’ doesn’t always mean consent
14. Rape paralysis: when you can’t say ‘no’ even though you want to
15. Sexual coercion
16. Resources and Sources

Introduction

Giving consent to sex, or sexual consent, means that everyone taking part has given their permission and fully realises what’s involved.

It’s about continuously discussing boundaries and what feels okay for everyone involved. And at every point each person must have the capacity to make that choice to understand exactly what they’re consenting to. Even though legal definitions may vary depending on where you are and your situation, the basic concept is the same everywhere.

Sexual consent is an essential part of healthy sexual relationships, but it can be confusing to navigate. Non-consensual sexual activity can cause physical and emotional harm and is a serious violation of one's rights.

Whenever sexual activity happens without someone agreeing to it, it's never the fault of the person who didn't agree. Not ever. It's always the fault of the person who did something without permission.

This article will explore what sexual consent means, what it isn't, and why it's important.

Why is sexual consent important?

Communication, honesty, and respect make sexual relationships better.

With all the myths surrounding sexual violence, however, working out what consent looks like in real life can sometimes feel confusing. These myths can make victims and survivors feel as though they are somehow to blame. It can also make them feel that what happened to them wasn’t ‘real’ sexual violence.

Asking for and getting consent shows that you respect yourself and your partner. It means you don't think one person deserves special treatment or privileges over the other.

💡 Your body and your sexuality belong only to you, not anyone else

It’s important that you are sure that the person you’re with is happy and comfortable, because non-consensual sexual activity (anything from touching and kissing to penetration) is against the law. The punishments for sexual assault can be severe.

Not only is it a crime, but the emotional consequences of rape and sexual assault can be devastating.

When everyone involved is enthusiastically consenting to the sexual activity, they're more likely to enjoy it and feel comfortable during the experience. And that’s the goal, isn’t it?

It's important to remember that consent is about creating a culture of respect and safety in sexual relationships.

What sexual consent looks like: what it really means to give a ‘Yes’

Sexual consent is all about communication. It’s freely given, informed, enthusiastic, and reversible.

1. The absence of a “no” or “stop”, doesn't mean a "yes."
2. A “maybe” or silence doesn’t mean “yes”.
3. If you’re not sure, assume they’re saying “no” and ask them.
4. Only physical actions like pulling them closer or nodding (if talking isn’t possible) or saying “yes” means yes.

💡 Without consent, any kind of sexual activity is sexual violence.

1. We all have the right to not want sex or any other kind of sexual activity – for example, kissing, sexual touching or performing a sexual act.
2. We also all have the right to change our minds at any time. Or to consent to doing one sexual thing with someone but not another.
3. It doesn’t matter what gender you are, or who you’re attracted to, if you’re planning to do anything sexual then both/all of you must ask for and give consent.

FREELY GIVEN: saying ’yes’ because you really want to

Consent is freely given when it’s a choice you make, when you freely decide to do something without feeling pressured, manipulated, or influenced by drugs or alcohol.

1. It's not real consent if you're doing something because you feel like you have no other choice.
2. Coercion means making someone do something they don't want to by pressuring or forcing them,
3. while manipulation means using emotions or psychology to make someone agree to something they wouldn't normally agree to.

INFORMED: knowing what you’re agreeing to

You can only consent to something that you are fully informed about, where you understand what’s involved.

1. For example, if someone says they will use a condom and then doesn’t, it’s not consent. This is called 'stealthing' and is a form of rape. It happens when people agree to have sex with a condom and then someone either lies about putting a condom on or removes it without the other person's permission.
2. Informed consent also means that everyone involved is able to understand and agree to what's happening.
3. They need to be the legal age, and not under the influence of drugs or alcohol that affect their thinking.
4. If someone is asleep, unconscious, or unable to say yes, any sexual activity is not consensual.
5. If one person is the boss or carer of the other, then it is not informed consent. This is because there can be legitimate fears around saying “no” to people who have authority over them (including parents, babysitters, teachers, police, prison guards, therapists, doctors, etc).

But what about those encounters where both people consented, but one or both of them later regrets what happened? This is more common than we would want it to be and can get really messy and even hurtful if we don’t manage it well.

1. So, to truly give informed consent, we need to consider not only how we feel about something in the moment, but also how we will feel about it later.

ENTHUSIASTIC: looking for the presence of a “yes” rather than the absence of a “no.”

Simply put, enthusiastic consent means looking for the presence of a “yes” rather than the absence of a “no.”

It looks like:

1. Making sure the other person wants to be touched before any physical touching.
2. Asking for permission before doing something different during sex, by saying, "Is this okay?"
3. Telling your partner you can stop anytime, and stopping when they tell you to.
4. Asking your partner from time to time if they're still okay with what's happening. So something like, “ Is this still ok?”
5. Letting each other know when they like or feel comfortable with what's happening.
6. Agreeing clearly to things by saying "yes" or something like "I'm okay with that." Or “I’m open to trying that.”
7. Using body language to show you're ready for more. For example, pulling them closer or guiding their hands.

But … it’s important to remember that these cues alone do not necessarily represent consent.

1. Enthusiasm is great, but sometimes people can seem enthusiastic when they’re actually nervous or scared.
2. Judging someone’s body language can give you helpful information, but always ask how someone is feeling rather than assume.

💡 Important: The way someone’s body is responding is not always representative of how they feel. Physical arousal does not automatically mean they are enthusiastically providing consent

1. For example, erections, flushed skin, heavy breathing, ejaculation, etc. are all things that can happen during arousal ...and during a stress response.
2. Sometimes perpetrators (people who harm others) will use the body's natural reactions to maintain secrecy, or minimize a survivor's experience to make what they did seem okay by using phrases such as, "You know you liked it." In no way does a physiological response mean that you consented to what happened.
3. Just because your body reacts in a certain way does NOT mean you consented to what happened.

Remember, any sexual activity that you didn’t or couldn’t consent to is not your fault.

REVERSIBLE: You can change your mind at any time

Consent is reversible. That means either you or your partner can decide at any time, even during sexual activity, that you don't want to continue.

Even if someone has agreed to something before, it doesn't mean they've agreed to it forever. Consent for one thing doesn't mean consent for everything.

One way to do this is to clearly communicate to your partner that you are no longer comfortable with this activity and wish to stop.

So if you say, “Hang on, I’m not feeling so good about this after all,” or “Let’s take a break,” your partner needs to respect that and stop, immediately.

Sometimes, it can be challenging or difficult to say no directly, so you can also show you're not okay with something through actions.

For example, pushing someone away or turning your body or face away when they try to touch or kiss you.

Again, the other person needs to respect that and stop what they’re doing and check in with you. Any other response veers into coercion territory. For example:

1. “But you said we could have sex tonight.”
2. “I’m so turned on, I can’t stand it. We have to keep going.”
3. “I’m so frustrated and stressed, I need this.”

These responses reflect what they want, not any concern for how you feel.

The best way to make sure everyone feels okay with any sexual activity is to talk about it, check in from time to time, and get consent before doing anything new or different.

Here’s another way of looking at it: The barber and a cup of tea

1. Do I need to give consent to the barber for cutting my hair?
2. Yep.
3. If some random person ran up to you in the streets and went at your hair with scissors, that's assault.
4. If someone cut your hair while you were asleep and you could not agree to the haircut, that's assault.
5. If you go to a barber, and ask for trim, only for the barber to shave a stripe down the middle of your head, that's assault.
6. Consent is you agreeing to do something, or to have something done to you. Lack of consent therefore is something that you are forced to do or that is done to you against your will.

If you’re still struggling with consent just imagine instead of initiating sex you’re making them a cup of tea

Head to YouTube and search “Tea and Consent” for a brilliant concept video that uses offering someone a cup of tea as a metaphor to explain consent.

[We're awaiting permission to share the link on our site. Fingers crossed!]

Sexual Consent does NOT look like:

“No”, “I don’t know”, “Maybe”, and silence are all examples of someone not giving you their consent. Flirting, smiling, laughing and being dressed a certain way are also not examples of someone giving you their consent.

Sexual consent is NOT:

1. Feeling like you have to agree to sex or other sexual activity because you’re worried about the other person’s reaction if you say ‘no’.
2. Someone having sex with you or touching you in a sexual manner when you’re asleep or unconscious.
3. Someone continuing with sexual activity despite your non-verbal cues that you don’t want it to continue or you’re not sure – for example, if you pull away, freeze, or seem uncomfortable.
4. Someone assuming that you want to have sex or take part in other sexual activity because of your actions or what you’re wearing – for example, flirting, accepting a drink, wearing a kinky outfit
5. Someone assuming that you want to have sex or take part in other sexual activity with them because you’ve had sex or taken part in other sexual activity with them before.
6. Someone assuming that you want to take part in one type of sexual activity because you wanted to take part in another type of activity.
7. Someone removing a condom during sex after you only agreed to have sex with one (what is known as 'stealthing').
8. Someone assuming that because you’re silent or not resisting means you’re consenting. Just because someone isn't saying no or physically fighting back doesn't mean they are giving their consent. If someone seems unsure, stays quiet, moves away, or doesn't respond, they are not agreeing to sexual activity.
9. Sexual activity with someone who is in a position of authority over you. This can include teachers, bosses, or anyone who has power over the other person.
10. Saying "no" to any kind of sexual activity means not agreeing to it.
11. The absence of a verbal "no" does not automatically mean agreement.
12. Children cannot give their consent, ever, regardless of the circumstances.

Remember, consent is all about communication and respect. Always make sure that everyone involved is comfortable and enthusiastic about any sexual activity.

If you have been sexually abused or assaulted, it is not your fault.

💡 If a person doesn’t consent to sexual activity of any kind then it is always sexual violence. And 100% of the blame lies with the perpetrator or perpetrators.

Who can consent? 

Adults who are not affected by substances and are fully able to understand what they are being asked.

Verbal vs non-verbal consent

There can be verbal or nonverbal consent, or a mix of the two types, depending on different policies and laws. The saying that "only verbal consent counts" is limited, however, because it doesn’t consider people who can only consent non-verbally, such as people with some disabilities, people who are Deaf or Hard-of-Hearing, and those in BDSM communities.

Communication in intimate encounters is often nonverbal cues, such as smiling, nodding, touching another person, or encouraging them. Here are some ways that a person’s body language can let you know whether or not they are comfortable with what you are doing together:

BUT, it’s important to be aware that the human brain is always only guessing about how to interpret smiles and expressions, gestures, and ‘vibes’.

1. In fact, unless you usually communicate in sign-language, which incorporates ‘reading’ facial expressions, facial movements are terrible indicators of consent, rejection and emotion in general.
2. So, unless the nonverbal signs of consent /non-consent have been agreed upon and understood beforehand, face and body language should not be a replacement for words. The best option is to use "explicit verbal communication".

Negotiating Consent

The only way to know for sure if someone has given consent is if they tell you. It’s not always easy to let people know that you are not happy about something.

1. Sometimes the person you’re with might look like they’re happy doing something, but on the inside they’re not.
2. They might not know what to say, or how to tell you that they are uncomfortable.
3. One of the best ways to work out if someone is uncomfortable with any situation, especially a sexual one, is to simply to ask them.

Questions you could ask:

1. "Is there anything that you don’t want to do?"
2. "Are you happy with this?"
3. "Are you comfortable?"
4. "Do you want to stop?"
5. "Do you want to go further?"

Why ‘yes’ doesn’t always mean consent

Being forced, pressured, bullied, manipulated, tricked, or scared takes away our freedom and capacity to make choices in lots of different situations.

1. For example, if someone is in an abusive relationship, they might say 'yes' to something out of fear for their own wellbeing or the wellbeing of other people – which is a long way away from saying 'yes' because they really wanted to. The fear took away their freedom and capacity to make a real choice.

💡 Only a “yes” given without pressure is valid consent for sexual activity.

1. For some people, the threat of being injured by fighting back is very real, and keeping quiet is the safest option for them. Keeping yourself safe by being quiet does not suddenly make what happened to you your fault.
2. Anyone who treats you or has treated you this way is a coward, who avoids responsibility, and uses the tools and tactics to maintain control and blame the people they hurt. They are 100% to blame. 

If you’re not sure or don’t quite understand why someone may stay quiet in these situations, consider the following scenarios:

1. Imagine you're walking alone at night when a stranger suddenly appears, blocking your path. They demand your wallet and threaten to harm you if you don't comply. In fear for your safety, you hand over your wallet. It's important to understand that in this situation, you are not consenting to being robbed. Your actions are driven by coercion and fear, rather than genuine agreement or choice.
2. Picture yourself at a crowded party, having a great time with friends. Suddenly, someone you've never met before approaches you and insists on taking a sip from your drink without your permission. Feeling uncomfortable and caught off guard, you may allow them to take a sip just to avoid conflict or because you're unsure how to react. It's essential to realize that in this scenario, your compliance does not imply consent. The other person's actions are invasive and disrespectful, and your response is influenced by social pressure rather than genuine agreement.
3. Consider a workplace environment where your boss continuously hints that they expect you to work overtime without extra pay. Due to concerns about job security, you feel compelled to comply with their requests even though it infringes on your personal time and well-being. Agreeing to work overtime in this situation does not equate to consent. The power dynamics at play, along with the implied consequences, make it challenging to freely give your consent without fear of negative repercussions.

Well, it's similar with sex. Although, in this case, the 'knife' or ‘drink’ or ‘threat of job loss’ could be something entirely different – such as the threat of someone sharing a sexually explicit photo of another person. Or spreading lies about them. Or making them feel worthless.

💡 If someone is threatened or pressured or scared into giving their consent, it is not true consent.

Rape paralysis: when you can’t say ‘no’ even though you want to

Potential victims are often unprepared for a scenario in which they will become paralysed, and unable to say 'no' or physically resist anymore. It happens more than you may think (1,2). 

1. For many suvivors, as soon as they find themselves in that situation, it is too late. Afterwards, many survivors do not understand what happened, and why they could not say or do anything to communicate that they did not want to have sex.
2. The consequence is that they often blame themselves for being sexually assaulted because they expected to have been able to do something about it but conclude that they failed to do so (self-victim-blaming). This could lead to great shame, the tendency to tell nobody what has happened, attempts to forget the traumatic experience and erase all traces of it (including matters which could have been used as evidence against the perpetrator).
3. Sexual coercion, for example, happens when someone pressures or manipulates you into having sexual contact when you don’t want to. Coercion, with regard to sexual violence, can cover a whole spectrum of degrees of force.
4. Apart from physical force, it may involve psychological intimidation, blackmail, or other threats – for instance, the threat of physical harm, of being dismissed from a job or of not getting a job that you’re looking for.
5. It may also occur when the person being attacked is unable to give consent – for instance, while drunk, drugged, asleep or mentally incapable of understanding the situation.
6. Sexual coercion can be confusing and deeply distressing.
7. You know what happened wasn’t right, but you might not fully understand how or why.
8. You might even believe they couldn’t have assaulted you since you said “yes” in the end.

💡Here’s one important thing to know, though: If you only consent because you want the other person to stop pressuring or threatening you, you didn’t really consent.

Summary

1. Simply put, enthusiastic consent means looking for the presence of a “yes” rather than the absence of a “no.”
2. We all have the right to not want sex or any other kind of sexual activity – for example, kissing, sexual touching, or performing a sexual act.
3. We also all have the right to change our minds at any time. Or to consent to doing one sexual activity with someone but not another.
4. Active consent means that you and your partner/s give each other a clear and explicit 'yes' to the sexual activity.
5. This explicit ’yes’ is in each person’s language. This includes sign and touch language for people who are blind, deaf/Deaf, cannot speak, or within any BDSM experience.
6. Equally, consent is a clear understanding of and respect for “no”.
7. It's no good just to assume that the other person is as into what you are doing as you are. The absence of a 'no' isn't enough.
8. It is freely given, reversible, informed, and enthusiastic by someone who is capable of providing consent.
9. Asking for and obtaining consent shows respect for yourself and your partner. It removes any belief that one partner deserves special treatment or privileges over the other.

💡 Your body and your sexuality belong only to you, not anyone else

1. If someone you know has had unwanted sexual experiences and you would like to learn more about supporting them, please visit How to support someone you care about

Resources and sources:

1. Sexual assault may trigger involuntary paralysis
2. Many rape victims experience 'paralysis' during assault

I compiled this information from a lot of sources across the internet, including: 1in6, Chayn, the consent academy, RAIIN, UK survivor, SAMSN, and more. For more in-depth information please visit

1. Learn more about consent
2. Understanding sexual consent
3. https://www.consent.academy/sexual-consent.html