Topics

Part 1: Supporting the Survivor

1. Listen without judgment. Be there. Believe them.
2. Thank them for telling you
3. Ask how you can help
4. Respect their choices
5. Be there. Be available.
6. Celebrate resilience.
7. Encourage them to practice self-care during this difficult time.
8. Some don’ts:

Part 2: Understanding the impacts on boys/men

1. Trauma
2. Some mental health impacts they may experience

Part 3: Supporting yourself

1. What you may experience:
2. Recognize your needs
3. Find support
4. Vicarious (secondary) trauma

Part 4. Understanding some terms: is there a ‘right’ word to use?

1. “victim” or “survivor”?
2. “Sexual assault, rape, sexual abuse, sexual violence, sexual trauma?

Part 5: Additional Considerations and Questions

1. Do I need to know what happened in order to be helpful?
2. I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing.

It’s not always easy to know what to say when someone tells you they’ve had any type of unwanted sexual experience, especially when that person is a family member, friend, or loved one. For a survivor, telling what happened to someone they care about can be very difficult, so we encourage you to be as supportive and non-judgmental as possible.

Many people can support survivors to recover (heal). This includes friends, family members, carers, advocates and professionals. Every interaction you have with a survivor of trauma is important. No matter how small. Sometimes support means providing resources, such as how to find a therapist, reach Sexual Assault Hotlines, seek medical attention, or report the crime to the police. But often listening is the best way to support a survivor.

Part 1: Supporting the survivor

1. Listen without judgment. Be there. Believe them.

1. Give your undivided attention: Listening without judgment can be one of the most healing things you can do for someone you love. If someone starts telling you what happened to them, put down whatever you’re doing and pay attention to them. Nothing on your phone or on the TV will be as important as what they’re sharing with you. Ensure full focus during conversations.If you’re driving or doing something else, where giving your full attention to the conversation might put you at risk, you can say something like, “Thank you so much for telling me this. I want to be able to give you my full attention and listen to you in the way you deserve. Let me pull over/end this call/etc. so we can continue.”
2. Don't be afraid of silence: Give them a comfortable space to speak when they feel able. Respect their choice to share what they are able to share and when they are able to share it.
3. Focus on their feelings: Listen calmly and empathetically. When a victim/survivor chooses to share their experience, lend them an empathetic ear. While it’s normal to have reactions like anger or shock when someone you care about shares an experience of sexual violence, sometimes those reactions can make a survivor feel like they are responsible for your feelings and discourage them from feeling that they can open up. Even if you’re feeling angry or upset or shocked, try to keep those emotions within yourself and focus your attention on supporting the person in front of you. Create a safe space for them to speak openly without fear of blame or shame. Remember, their feelings are valid and their experience deserves to be heard.
4. Some examples of words you can say:
5. “I believe you. It took a lot of courage for you to tell me”: It can be extremely difficult for survivors to come forward and share their story. They may feel ashamed, concerned that they won’t be believed, or worried they’ll be blamed. Leave any “why” questions or investigations to the experts—your job is to support this person. Be careful not to interpret calmness as a sign that the event did not occur—everyone responds to traumatic events differently. The best thing you can do is to believe them.
6. “You are not alone. I care about you and am here to listen or help you in any way I can.” Let the survivor know that you are there for them and willing to listen to their story if they are comfortable sharing it. See if there are people in their life they feel comfortable going to, people they trust, and remind them that there are service providers who will be able to support them as they heal from the experience.
7. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve this”: Survivors may blame themselves, especially if they know the perpetrator personally. Remind the survivor that they are not to blame. The only person at fault is the perpetrator. They may need to hear this several times. 
8. “I’m sorry this happened to you.”
9. Be mindful of rape myths. Rape myths ignore the feelings that survivors experience and are used to claim that the survivor wasn't really raped, or that in some way the survivor was to blame. Have an open attitude and be aware of negative judgments and let them feel that they can trust you and you're there for them.

2. Thank them for telling you

1. "Thank you for telling me this. It means a lot to me that you feel you can share this with me." Showing your appreciation for their trust at the beginning of the conversation may help your loved one feel more comfortable.
2. “It took a lot of courage for you to tell me. This must be really tough for you.”  

3. Ask how you can help

It’s best to not assume that you know what the other person needs. Instead, ask him what support he wants or needs. By asking directly, we are also letting him know we’re able to help on his terms.

1. For example, he may appreciate a listening ear, practical help with getting groceries, or simply spending time together doing something he enjoys.
2. If this is the first time they have disclosed to anyone (told someone what happened), or it happened recently, they may not know what they need from or how you can help at first. And that’s ok. It may be that all they know and need in the moment is someone to listen, or even sit there with them as they process their emotions.

4. Respect their choices 

Your first instinct may be to offer advice or find solutions straight away. Remember, their power and choice was forcefully taken away from them during the situation(s). Instead, offer support, offer to look for resources and information, or to help them find professional counseling, support groups, or hotlines. 

1. Empower victims and survivors to make decisions that are right for them. But respect their choices. This allows them to reclaim a sense of control over their lives and healing process.
2. Ask if there are people in their life they feel comfortable going to, (or who they feel they can trust for you to talk to in order to look after yourself) and remind them that there are service providers who will be able to support them as they heal from the experience.

5. Be there. Be available.

Let the survivor know that you are there for them and willing to listen to their story if they are comfortable sharing it. As many times as it takes. Healing takes time. There is no one way, no right way, no wrong way, and no schedule or specific timeline for people to recover and heal from unwanted sexual experiences. But remember, you’re not his therapist or doctor! 

1. Check in with them periodically. Even if the event happened a long time ago, it doesn’t mean the pain is gone. Check in with the survivor (whether through text messages, phone calls, or in-person visits) to remind them you still care about their well-being and believe their story.
2. Keep including them in normal everyday activities. For many survivors, feeling that their normal life has been taken away from them can be especially hard. Continue to offer to do things together that your loved one has always enjoyed. For instance, if you enjoy cooking together or following the same TV shows, make sure you’re reaching out to initiate those activities. Even if your loved one doesn’t want to talk about what happened, it can be helpful to spend time together and feel normal.
3. If you can’t talk right away when they reach out, let him know a specific time when you can chat instead. The keys here are to:
4. tell him you appreciate his trust in confiding in you
5. try to avoid using language that might make him feel like a burden or inconvenience 
6. What you can say:
7. “Hi, sure, yeah happy to meet up. Where are you? How about we meet at the coffee shop in an hour?”
8. “Hey buddy, glad to hear from you! Today is a bit busy, but I have lots of time on the weekend! Does Sunday at 3pm work?”

6. Celebrate resilience 

As victims and survivors take steps toward healing, celebrate their victories — no matter how small. Acknowledging their strength can help them see their progress and continue moving forward. 

1. Focus on his strengths and achievements
2. Acknowledge and validate his efforts in the recovery process
3. Be patient with him and continue to provide support, even it feels like progress is slow

7. Encourage them to practice self-care during this difficult time

8. Some don’ts:

1. Don’t ask if they’re sure it happened. 
2. Don’t be upset with them for not telling you sooner.
3. Don’t say, “If I were you, I would…”
4. Don’t say, “Other survivors tend to _____, so you should too.”
5. Don’t say that what they’ve described doesn’t sound like sexual assault to you, or that it 'isn’t that bad.'"
6. Don’t say, If you don’t report, you’re putting other people in danger”. It can be exceptionally difficult to report, especially for men, for a great many reasons (such as fears they won’t be believed, or the stigma and shame they may be feeling, and the reporting itself can be re-traumatizing)
7. Don’t ask for details about what happened––such as if they knew the perpetrator, what they were wearing, if they had anything to drink, etc.
8. Don’t tell them that they ‘should have gotten over it by now.’ There is no timeline for healing. 
9. Don’t insist that they have to do certain things––such as report to police, get a sexual assault forensic exam, or disclose to others. 
10. Telling a person with trauma to ‘be positive’ does not help. It can make people feel more alone.

Part 2: Understanding the impacts on boys/men 

Understanding the ripple effects of sexual violence against men can help in making sense of the journey of healing and recovery and your part in that. It’s a myth that boys and men are generally seen to be less affected by sexual victimization than girls or women. In fact, because of stereotypes around masculinity and what it means to be male, the impact can often be worse. And often even harder for individuals who identify as LGBTQIA+ [1].

Trauma

A traumatic experience or trauma is an extremely stressful and threatening situation that exceeds our ability to cope. How someone responds to the event is personal and unique, and a traumatic event can lead to different outcomes for different people. There is no wrong way to cope with trauma, but it can have long-lasting negative effects for many people. And not just the individuals, but often also their families and communities. Understanding that people with trauma experiences can be very sensitive to different things, providing a safe space, giving them choices, can make the way we interact with people better.

💡Trauma is not an illness or abnormal reaction - it is a normal response to an abnormal, traumatic event.

Some mental health impacts they may experience can include:

1. denial, shock, disbelief: "It wasn't really rape/assault." "Why me?" "Did it really happen?"
2. anxiety: "I can't breathe" "I'm shaking"
3. overwhelming feelings of guilt or self-blame: "I should have been able to stop it" "It's my fault" "If only I had..."
4. shame: "There's something wrong with me" "I feel unclean"
5. powerless or helpless: "Will I ever get control again?", "I don't know what to do"
6. depression: "How will I get through this?" "I'm so tired" "I feel so hopeless"
7. physical stress: aches and pains in the stomach or back or head all the time, don't feel like eating
8. loneliness: "I'm alone" "No one would believe me"
9. Struggles in managing their feelings and reactions, especially after going through something tough like sexual violence. This might look like: 
10. Difficulty controlling big emotions: they might be quick to anger, or big emotions may come up suddenly and they may really struggle to calm down. Sometimes even small things can set off big emotions. This is sometimes called 'hyperarousal'.
11. But just to be clear, it is not ok for them to make you afraid for your safety at these times either. If you're worried about this, please seek support.
12. Quick to get overwhelmed: It's like their emotions are on a hair-trigger. Little things that normally wouldn't bother them can suddenly feel like a huge deal, and it's hard to shake off those feelings.
13. Feeling stuck in negative emotions: Sometimes, it's like they’re stuck in a loop of feeling sad, scared, or angry, and it's hard to snap out of it. Even when good things happen, it's tough to feel happy or hopeful.
14. Struggling to express emotions: They might find it hard to talk about how they’re feeling or to show their emotions to others. It's like there's a barrier between what they’re feeling inside and what they can let out.
15. They may feel disconnected from their thoughts and body in certain situations. When they go through the situation they can push their emotions into the background, almost blocking them, so they don’t have to feel them. But this is often not on purpose, and they may not realize they’re doing it. This is called dissociation.
16. It's like their mind trying to protect them from the overwhelming feelings by sort of zoning out. They might feel disconnected from their thoughts or emotions, like they’re watching themselves from far away. 
17. Or, it may feel for them that things around them start to seem weird or unreal, almost like they’re in a dream. They might feel like everything around them is foggy or distorted.
18. they might start feeling like they’re not really in control of their own body or emotions. It's like feeling detached from yourself, almost like you're just going through the motions without really feeling anything.
19. This is a sort of hypoarousal.
20. Being jumpy and on high alert (hyperarousal) and being shut down (hypoarousal) are trauma responses. They are ‘normal’ responses to trauma. A survivor who does not respond is often ‘hyperaroused’ too. Being jumpy and shut down both mean that a survivor can no longer tolerate their feelings. This means that it is best to stop the interaction with them at that time, as continuing may retraumatise the person.
21. They have trouble getting to sleep or can’t stay asleep, or they have nightmares.
22. Difficulty trusting people (for example, not trusting other men if the perpetrator was a man, or other women if the perpetrator was a woman).
23. They may lose trust in themselves too
24. Flashbacks, where they may suddenly (and sometimes randomly) feel like they’re re-experiencing the event in the here and now. This is unfortunately a common experience in PTSD. These flashbacks may be triggered by things like certain sights, sounds, or smells.
25. This means that something which you may not know about can make the person react.
26. It is important for any person who supports a survivor to understand about triggers. This can help you to empathise with the survivor. It can also help you to not to take things `personally’.
27. Confusion and distress about their gender identity and/or sexual orientation.
28. If they are straight but were assaulted by another male, they may wonder (or worry) that this means they are gay.
29. Or they may blame themselves because of their gender identity and/or sexual orientation that they were attacked.
30. Or, if they are gay or trans, they may be worried about being ‘outed’ because of the event.
31. So many layers!
32. But the blame lays 100% on the perpetrator.
33. Assaults based on gender are in fact hate crimes.
34. Sexual assault or abuse does not cause anyone to become gay or trans. 
35. Confusion sometimes in understanding ‘Was it sexual assault/abuse?’ (especially if they couldn’t actually say no)
36. Confusion when their body responds physically even though they didn’t consent
37. note: having flushed skin, fast breathing, having an erection, having an orgasm and/or ejaculating does not necessarily mean they consented— your body can react this way in times of great stress and fear. It's a normal body response. But many perpetrators will use this to convince them that ‘they wanted it’. 
38. Fears around not being believed or they should have been able to stop it
39. Problems with thoughts, feelings, or behaviors related to sex and sexuality. This could mean:
40. not feeling interested in sex when they normally would, or feeling anxious or depressed about sex.
41. they might have negative thoughts about sex, their body, or their abilities in bed. These thoughts can make it hard to enjoy sex or feel comfortable with their sexuality.
42. difficulty getting aroused, trouble reaching orgasm, or pain during sex. These physical problems can be frustrating and may affect their relationships.
43. Some become hyper-sexual 
44. These things can also affect their relationships with partners. It might lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, or even distance between them and their partner.
45. Coping strategies: Many coping strategies seem helpful good at first, to try and stop the pain and distress of their trauma. But many are not-so-good later on.
46. They may start having an unhealthy relationship with food. having an unhealthy relationship with food. It can involve various patterns, such as eating too much or too little, skipping meals, or having rigid rules about what and when to eat. For many people who experience this, it’s a way of regaining a sense of control in their lives. But this can also lead to physical and emotional distress.
47. They may misuse or abuse of drugs and/or alcohol as a way to numb or avoid their thoughts and emotions.
48. They might increase their focus on study or work or taking care of others as another way try to cope with (or avoid) their emotions and thoughts
49. Some people avoid other people. While for others, taking risks may also be a coping strategy.
50. It's important to approach these topics with sensitivity and understanding, recognizing that all these ways of coping are complex issues that require support and compassion. When people understand why they use their coping strategies they can start to heal. It is important to build healthy coping strategies but this can be hard and can take time. This means that support is needed.

Part 3: Supporting yourself 

It’s really important to keep in mind that as a support person, you are not his doctor or therapist. Instead, be realistic about what you can do to support someone in a manageable and appropriate way.

What you may experience 

There is no “right” reaction to hearing that someone you care about has survived an act of sexual violence. As you take the steps above to support your loved one, and as you listen to their story, you may experience some of the following emotions:

1. You may feel pressure, from yourself or from others, to take responsibility for your survivor’s wellbeing. Whilst you can walk alongside him, you are not responsible for him.
2. You may feel anxious
3. You may feel angry
4. You may feel sad 
5. You may feel overwhelmed

These are normal and expected. You’re not ‘wrong’ for feeling them. It is important to try to manage your emotions so that the survivor doesn’t feel responsible for taking care of you at the expense of themselves.

Recognize your needs

At the same time, however, it is important to look after yourself too. Your needs are equally important. Communicate your feelings with sensitivity and express your boundaries. 

1. It’s ok to let them know if you need some time to process your own feelings.
2. It can be helpful to ask if they have someone else they trust who they can talk to, or suggest a hotline. But make sure also to set up another time that works better for you both. For example, “I can’t right now, but what about this weekend?

Find support 

Know your resources. You’re a strong supporter, but that doesn’t mean you’re equipped to manage someone else’s health. Become familiar with resources you can recommend to a survivor, such as Sexual Assault Hotlines. 

1. It’s often helpful to contact your local sexual assault support service for advice on medical care and laws around sexual assault.
2. They often have people you can talk to as well, to support you as you walk alongside your loved one.

Vicarious (secondary) trauma 

When someone you care about tells you about a really difficult experience they've been through, like being sexually abused or assaulted, it can have a big impact on you too. You might start feeling some of the same emotions they're feeling, even though it didn't happen directly to you. This might include experiencing

1. intrusive thoughts, nightmares, increased anxiety, emotional numbness, difficulty concentrating and sleeping, and a reduced sense of safety.

This is called vicarious trauma. It's like carrying a piece of their pain with you. It's important to recognize these feelings and take care of yourself, just like you would take care of your loved one. Remember, it's okay to feel this way, even though it’s uncomfortable and can be upsetting, and you're not alone in feeling this way. Talking to someone you trust, such as someone at a sexual assault service, doing things you enjoy, and setting boundaries can help you cope.

Part 4. Understanding some terms: is there a ‘right’ word to use? 

Short answer? The ‘right’ word is whatever language works for the person you care about.  

“victim” or “survivor”?

1. Both terms can be used. Both are valid. Importantly, each individual may identify with either term. The most respectful approach is to ask the person which term they prefer. 
2. At Hope for Men we understand the word “victim” as referring to someone who has recently been affected by sexual violence, when talking about a specific crime. That is, someone is a victim of a crime. 
3. We primarily use the term “survivor” to refer to someone who is going through the recovery process after experiencing sexual violence, or when talking about the impact of sexual violence. For example, we might say, “The short- and long-term effects on male survivors can include…” 
4. Some people identify with “victim” and others with “survivor”. Some men find the words “victim” and “survivor” disturbing, even offensive. Others feel they are validating and empowering.
5. The most respectful approach is to ask your loved one what language works best for them.
6. It’s also important to remember that the words are not who they are - your loved ones are more than what happened to them. Words such as “victim” or “survivor" may help with understanding the effects their experiences had on them, but no matter what they’ve been through, there is always more to who they are than their painful or harmful experiences.

"sexual assault", "rape", "sexual abuse", "sexual violence", "sexual trauma"?

Some people may say things like, “You have to call it ‘sexual abuse’ or ‘sexual assault’ or you can’t heal,” or “If you can’t admit that what happened was [their label], then you’re in denial.” Even coming from someone who genuinely cares and wants to help, such comments and demands are not helpful. It can start to sound very complex once you start exploring all the terms, especially because the same phrase can also have different legal definitions, depending on where you are.

Basically, there's no right or wrong here. Use the words the person you care about uses, or understands the best.

💡Only men can know what language works best for them. And what works for them may change over time.

At Hope for Men, we don’t want to label men or tell them what to call their experiences. But we do have to use some language on this site! So when we’re speaking in general about an individual experiencing anything sexual that was not wanted or consented to, we either say “unwanted sexual experiences” or use the non-legal term “sexual violence”.

Sexual violence sounds like a strong term, doesn't it? But it's being used more often now because sexual activity without consent violates a person's rights and affects their mind, body, and soul. It acknowledges that the mental and emotional injury caused by unwanted sexual activity is as valid as any physical injury. 'Sexual violence' places the emphasis and blame on the offender: offenders commit violence, they don't commit trauma.

1. The term 'sexual violence' includes sexual assault, rape, sexual abuse, and sexual harassment, although we know that sexual violence also includes
2. exploitation,
3. revenge-porn,
4. forced witnessing of sexual acts,
5. as well as unwanted female-initiated sexual contact (there are still misconceptions about females as perpetrators, and this happens a lot more than most people realize). 
6. “Sexual violence” is also the term used by the UN [3]. 
7. Sexual assault, rape, sexual abuse, sexual battery, sexual harassment, are all types of sexual violence, and generally refer to the criminal act. Some of these acts involve contact and some are non-contact. Sexual abuse generally refers to ongoing or repeated acts of sexual violence, and sexual assault generally refers an incident.
8. We understand that many people may not identify with the word “violence”, especially if no physical injury occurred. But there is no doubt about the mental and emotional harm that unwanted sexual experiences can cause victims/survivors. Men/boy survivors (including gay and bisexual men/boys) may not see what happened to them as sexual violence, because they might think it only happens to women and girls. They might not talk about it or tell anyone about it because of this misconception.

Finding the ‘right’ term can be tricky, since each country (and states within each country) uses different terms and has different legal definitions. This is why there is so much confusion out there about the terms! On our site, we generally use sexual assault or sexual abuse when referring to sexually violent acts. For example, we might say “a survivor of sexual assault or abuse”. We also use “sexual trauma” to refer to the lived experiences, the impact of the unwanted sexual experiences.

Again, use whatever language works best for your loved one. Ask them.

Part 5: Additional questions you may have

Do I need to know what happened in order to be helpful?

1. No, you don’t need to know what happened in order to be helpful. While it can be helpful to understand the context (for example, if the perpetrator was someone they knew, or if it happened at work or school), the details aren’t necessary, so don’t pressure them.
2. It can be re-traumatizing for individuals to talk about it again, to re-live it in their minds. This is why the process of reporting needs to be handled with a deep understanding of the needs of the survivor. And why it may take time for a survivor to think about seeing mental health support.  

I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing

1. The most respectful approach is to ask your loved one what language works best for them. 
2. It’s important to remember that the words are not who they are - your loved ones are more than what happened to them. Words such as “victim” or “survivor" may help with understanding the effects their experiences had on them, but no matter what they’ve been through, there is always more to who they are than their painful or harmful experiences.
3. Aim for open and honest communication, understanding and respecting each other’s boundaries, and patience as you both find your way through the healing process together.

Where can I find more information? 

1. The article 20 unhelpful myths around the sexual assault of men can help you understand many of the myths and misinformation around sexual violence against men. 
2. You might also like to read Understanding sexual consent. Sexual violence means a sexual activity where consent was not given. But it’s not always quite as simple as it seems. Often the survivor blames themselves when it’s never ever their fault, because of how the perpetrator made them think and feel.
3. Didn’t find what you were looking for? Please feel free to reach out to us through our Contact us page with any questions and we’ll do our best to direct you to appropriate supports or services. Or you can email us at: info@hopeformen.org 

References used when compiling this article:

1. Prevalence and consequences of adult sexual assault of men: review of empirical findings and state of the literature (Accessed March 2024)
2. Addressing sexual violence against men boys LGBTQI (Accessed March 2024)
3. On trauma: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration [SAMHSA] (Accessed February 2024)
4. Male Victims of Sexual Assault: A Review of the Literature Thomas JC, Kopel J. Male Victims of Sexual Assault: A Review of the Literature. Behav Sci (Basel). 2023 Apr 3;13(4):304. doi: 10.3390/bs13040304. PMID: 37102818; PMCID: PMC10135558. Accessed 24 April 2024
5. When a man is raped: a survival guide
6. Myers MF. Men sexually assaulted as adults and sexually abused as boys. Arch Sex Behav. 1989 Jun;18(3):203-15. doi: 10.1007/BF01543195. PMID: 2751415. (Accessed March 2024)
7. SAMSN: an Australian organization for male survivors of child sexual abuse and their supporters